Happy Birthday

So, I am now 23 years old. My birthday was on Friday, June 29th. It was not a good day for me. And I feel really guilty for saying that. I think it all started before the day even began. I felt no excitement or anticipation during the week leading up to it. I had really planned on letting it come and go without much incident. I wonder now if I would have been happier if it would have played out that way. Early Friday morning my Mom called me. She, Mya, my sister, and my older brother sang Happy Birthday to me. We didn't talk long because they were all on their way out the door to go to the beach. They said they would call me later that day. So, I went to work, and my boss had covered my cubicle with baloons and confetti. It's kind of a tradition that we do that for department birthdays. Other than that, work went pretty much the same. After work, I went to my friend (mentioned in "Threatened" blog) Michael's house for a party. A few of my friends from the Addiction Recovery Program came over and we had a cookout. It was nice, and I enjoyed myself. Michael's "girlfriend" was there though, and through no fault of her own, put a damper on my spirits. It just made me feel like, even though it was my birthday party, I was invading their space. I don't know, maybe I just have a few screws loose. But, I cried all the way home. I just felt so alone. My family never called me back either. I don't know if it would have mattered if the day went any differently at all. When it was all over, I still went home to an empty apartment, alone. I just felt like I could've just died in my sleep that night and no one would've known. I think it would be weeks before anyone would even open my apartment to find me. That sounds so morbid, but that's honestly what kind of thoughts go through my mind. And the worst part is that I don't know how to stop feeling this way. I feel like being stern with myself and saying "Its not that big of a deal, just get over it." But, if I do that, I know that I will begin the process of isolating myself. I will put shields up because of fear of being hurt. I think this is definitely one of those serenity prayer moments. "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." Yes. I need serenity, courage, and wisdom. In those areas, I'm definitely sitting in the red. Why does it surprise me that the only way to solve this problem is to seek help from a power greater than myself? I should have that down by now.....

Threatened

Well, its been a little while since I posted last. I never said this was going to be a consistently updated blog...Anyway, so a lot has changed since last month. Mya left on Tuesday the 12th to go visit my family in NC. I made the decision to send her for a few reasons. One, I can't afford full time daycare. At the cheapest, $3 an hour, I would pay as much for daycare as I do for rent. I am not riding a gravyboat big enough to do that. Also, Mya has only been living with me for a little over 3 months, and she misses my parents, as I'm sure they miss her. So, its a good thing for them to spend the summer together. So, now I'm all alone. Some think I should be happy to have this free time on my hands...no. My life just feels empty when she's not around. So, I've been trying to find things to do to keep my mind busy. I picked up a part-time job, which is nice. I'll be glad to have the extra money when school shopping time comes. I've also started going back to my ARP (addiction recovery program) meetings. Before Mya moved here, I was a definite regular at those meetings. For a year or so, I went every day, then I tapered down to 2 or 3 a week. Then when Mya moved here, I wasn't able to attend anymore because the meetings were at night, when I needed to be home putting her to bed. I was really excited to start going back. That was until I showed up at my first one on Saturday and didn't recognize a soul. The whole group has changed. I did know one person there, the facilitator. I met him when he first came into the program and I was a facilitator. He's come a long way, and along the way, we became really close friends. Some assumed that we were more romantically inclined than was actually so, but that was okay. We both knew that we were just really good friends. We went to the same meetings, went to dinner a few times, spent some holidays together, and we both liked it that way. After the meeting was over on Saturday, I stayed behind to talk to him, just like I always used to. But, I noticed that another girl was doing the same...and she was the one he seemed to prefer. Don't get me wrong, he was very nice, talked to me like always, but there was just this feeling that I was the third wheel. I left, and while driving away, realized that this must be "the girl". He had talked to me about a girl he had met and started dating. Then she broke things off, saying she needed to go her own way. He told me that he was really upset over it, but now knew that he wasn't really ready for a serious relationship yet. After we talked, I didn't really think too much about it because it was pretty common for us to talk about things like that. But, when I went to another meeting on Sunday, and the same scenario happened again, me being left as the third wheel, I couldn't help but feel threatened. I know that I have no romantic feelings towards him, and I'm sure he feels likewise. But, I feel as if this girl who is a romantic interest is a threat to our friendship. I already don't like her because her presence is making me the third wheel. I don't know if this is a right or wrong way to feel, but it is so. I'm now fearful because I feel like I'm not going to be comfortable at my meetings anymore, and that has always been my haven. So, maybe I just need to seek out new meetings. I dunno...but there's my rambling for the day.

Cupid's Got A Gun

K...I gotta little venting to do. I don't even know where to begin. After work yesterday, I go to pick up Mya (my daughter) from daycare. As soon as I walk in, Mya's trying to hurry me out the front door. Luckily, (I think), I needed to speak to the lady in charge about some transportation arrangements, so I couldn't be rushed out the door. Well, when I get over to the lady I needed to speak to, she says she needs to let me know about something that happened yesterday. Mya's jaw immediately drops, and her eyes are completely focused on her shoes. It turns out that Mya and another boy were caught kissing. It caught me completely off guard. Maybe I'm completely spaced out, but I thought I had a couple more years left before I had to deal with this! I just listened, nodded my head, and said I would take care of it. As I walked away, my mind is racing. What to do? Nothing? Something? Everything? Mya is searching my face, trying to gauge how much trouble she's in. Luckily it's only 2 blocks home, because I was dumb the whole way. Walking through the front door of the apartment, I'm just praying for some guidance, because I was stumped. Some may think I'm making too big of a deal of this, but I couldn't help it. I'm thinking, If I make a big deal of this, she's going to think kissing is a bad thing. This could cause rebellion later on, or a sense of shame associated with affection, which isn't good either. On the other hand, if I treat it as "no harm done", she's going to think its okay to be openly affectionate, and where could that lead, with her starting at such a young age? I'm telling you, I was completely crazy. So, I sat her down at the table, and just asked her to tell me her side of the story (to give me some more thinking time). Of course, it was all the boy's fault, he made her do it...right...I told her that I wasn't upset with her about kissing a boy. I understood that she likes boys, and sometimes she might think its fun to kiss them, even though it is not appropriate at daycare. I told her that I was upset that she felt the need to hide it from me. ~And that is totally true~ I don't want to hear about her life from the daycare, or anyone else outside our home. I want to know directly from her. I want her to feel like she can tell me anything, and want to. Then, I dropped it. I didn't feel right about punishing her. I don't know if I did the right thing or not. I guess time will tell...or maybe this didn't even make a dent in the saga of her life. But that's the thing. You can't tell at the onslaught of these things if they're going to be life altering monuments, or nothing but a slight memory. So, you have to try to handle it the right way. Look that up in the "Child's Owner Manual".....Oh well, I've vented now. Moving on....

And There Was White

Well, I guess this is the beginning....I used to get so excited over clean white paper, all ready to be written on. The feeling isn't exactly the same with a white computer screen, but the anxiety is somewhat familiar. I don't have this exciting "Hollywod-esque" life to write about, nothing even close. In fact, that is one of the reasons writing a blog has become of interest to me. I am a social hermit. Don't topple over with shock. In the past I have crawled out of this shell, but only while wearing a disguise. I have never had the confidence to come out and bear it all. I have found that writing is my connection to the outside world, even if no-one reads it. I hope someone can relate to that. So, that's the reason I'm starting this blog, in a really small nutshell. I hope someone can enjoy this window into my shell.